As we approach December many moments and memories flood into my head. While everyone is full of ‘holiday cheer’ and ready for big family gatherings, feasting and presents, I am reminded that my holiday will be much, much different. I knew the “first” of basically every holiday would be hard without my mom. But I didn’t quite think that even things that didn’t really remind me of my mom would suddenly become things I dreaded.
Thanksgiving. Even though it just passed, it was not as bad or upsetting as I thought it initally would have been. I determined that to be because this year was the first year I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my Dad, Sister and Uncle in Florida in four years, so I had no recent memories of Thanksgiving in my Florida home, making it not so sad for me. We shouted out at the dinner table, “Sorry Ma!,we didnt get cranberry sauce…you were the ONLY one that liked it,” and we all laughed which was a great moment. Overall, it was so nice to be with my family and realize that we were all feeling the same way about the holidays coming.
My birthday. I’m not even dreading my birthday because I’m getting older, but because my mom can’t celebrate it with me. I turn twenty-two in five days and I can already hear my mom singing to me: “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday Gia Marie!” She would sing that almost every year and we have it recorded on a home video from my fourth birthday I believe. That little jingle has literally been ringing in my head for the past couple of days. Who knew that my own birthday would trigger emotions pertaining to my mom? I sure didn’t.
Decorating for the Holidays. This year I do not have much interest in putting up a tree, putting lights up, or even listening to Christmas music. All things that my mom LIVED for. Jeez, she would have to be sitting in the living room watching our every move as we assembled the tree and the ornaments making sure that they were where she wanted them to be! But I will push through and put up a smaller tree with my family and maybe hang some stockings and lights, nothing wrong with a small Christmas as long as we do a little something to lift us up a bit!
Christmas. Just the thought of that word this year makes me cringe. I instantaneously became a Scrooge this year without meaning to. In a way, this post is an apology to those who Imay bring down this season without meaning to, but I can’t help but be a tad bitter knowing I cant spend this Christmas with my mom. It’s not only missing the time with her during this holiday season but not being able to spoil her with candy, slippers, pjs, and gifts that she’d love.
New Years Eve & New Years Day. In ways it will be a relief that 2016 will be over. Hands down, the worst year ofmy life so far so I will have no problem saying ‘Adios’ to 2016. But it will definitely make me think: wow, this is a year that she will never see, never be apart of, never witness in person exactly what is happening on this Earth.But she will witness it from up above which is a much better view I bet! She would always be my New Years kiss because I am never in New York to kiss my own boyfriend, haha. But things will be different this year. A weird different. But a different that as time passes, will become the norm.
I am of course not going to sit and sulk on these days. But I will try and lift my spirits and my family’s spirits as we experience more “firsts” without my mom. If there is one thing I have learned from losing a parent, it is that you are strong that you think you are and stronger than you were the day before. So with that, I will continute to be strong and live on happily for my mom with her spirit watching over me at all times.
Enjoy the holdiay season everyone! Xoxo